Cole is almost 6 pounds now. Every time I look at him in the NICU I am awed by his chubbiness. He looks like a different baby than the 3 pounder who came out of my abdomen on October 28 . I am no longer obsessed with his weight/length chart and no longer put value in how many cc’s he’s imbibing on a daily basis. I suppose this relaxed view of things mirrors the lack of anxiety I have regarding his wellbeing. There is, of course, something keeping him in the NICU. Everyday I watch younger, frailer, sicklier, colickier babies go home while my relatively fat, contented baby remains in the hospital. While I like the nurses (Lee, Adeline), lactation consultants (Cory), doctors, social worker and the occupational therapist (Donna) who have become pals and feel a certain sentimentality regarding their positive help during this time - I would rather be HOME. So the question remains, when will Cole get with the program and drink from a bottle all the time? When will he stop falling asleep during feeding time? When will his little body be motivated? It’s practically Christmas for god’s sake. He’s almost 0 months old (as opposed to negative numbers) for god’s sake!

Today Santa came to the NICU and Cole got his first Cmas photo with Santa. Yes, Santa, the pagan god of Cmas- holiday of excessive consumption. Santa is everywhere - even the NICU! I digress, Cole did not seem too impressed with the occasion, but a goggle of attendants, including an elf who had spent too much time with the village people, oohed and aahed over the event. Cole went back to sleep after some irritable vocalizations in a show of, well, what’s all the fuss about?

Last week was my version of hell on earth and I have no doubt that I have a bit of PTSD to process after the “events”. I spent about half of it at the ER. On both occasions I lost massive amounts of blood and saw a bizzilion doctors, nurses and specialisists. After many hours of painful poking around under the hood, it was proclaimed that I had got my period. Yes, all those specialists to tell me that my period had come to stay. The first ER visit didn’t solve my problem, so I presented myself for a second round of humiliating and painful inspections of my netherregions 2 days later after falling down, hitting my head, and comming to with no memory of the last 4 weeks- it seems I blacked out from extreme Anemia. I spent a couple hours quizzing Tom with questions like, “do we really have a son in the NICU”? I cried and told them they needed to solve the problem and they took pity on me and admitted me to the hospital overnight and gave me 2 blood transfusions. While it was not a long term solution, at least my fear of returning the ER the next day was allayed. Needless to say, it was surreal and very frightening. I am hoping that is the last of my ER home away from home visits, but I had another close call today which was resolved by popping a couple extra birth control pills. Never would I have dreamed of carelessly manipulating my hormone levels this way - but life threatening circumstances require extreme actions.

Unforrtunately, I do have to return to a hospital. I have, however, decided to go to a different hospital for my next performance. I have too many unpleasant memories at the current one. The next performance, that is - procedure - involves another MRI and hopefully a procedure that will stop the blood flow to my uterus and therefore my fibroid. Let this be the one! Unfortunately, it seems thabout the time I will be admitted to the hospital again, baby will be coming out of the hospital. It seems we’re about to experience very bad timing. We’ll see. Maybe Cole can hang out in my hospital room with me this time!?

On a lighter subject - Cole was very alert to my presence today. He smiled contentedly and stared intently at me as I sang him Cmas songs and surveyed his reaction to my singing voice, a voice he is well acquainted with by now. Duke of Earl seems to be his all time favorite when rocked and patted in rhythm and, as far as I’m concerned, it is a sign of his budding musical proclivity. We shall see. Cole also shared many odd vocalizations with me today and kept up a running dialog of tiny sounds. I wonder if this means he will be an early talker. Let’s hope not. One precocious little lawyer in the family is quite enough!